Thursday, April 5, 2012
Today I sent Chris a text message that read, "Read my e-mail. I am so frustrated that I want to just forget this whole thing." I'm not talking about our marriage or anything that is really important in the grand scheme. I'm talking about this newspaper. This thing is going really smoothly, but it is a lot of work. Today I got an e-mail from the publisher at the paper where we are printing. They ran into some snags when they tried to print our mock publish. I froze. It's that feeling that you get when you see the police officer in the rear view mirror with his lights on. The little voice in my head started screaming, "YOU WERE RIGHT. YOU CAN'T DO THIS. IT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU THOUGHT IT WAS. YOU'RE NOT TECHNICAL. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, TRYING TO START A NEWSPAPER? IT'S GOING TO BE TERRIBLE AND ALL OF YOUR ADVERTISERS, IF YOU GET ANY, ARE GOING TO HATE IT." And so I wanted to quit. I wanted to roll up in a little ball, crawl under a rock and quit everything. Judah has pink eye and an ear infection. That voice says that it's my fault that he is sick. I don't wash his hands enough. Maybe I don't clean the nursery enough, because I am, after all, the Children's Director. I am sick of this voice. I've talked here about it before. I don't think I'm a fearful person, but I do know that fear tries to creep in and paralyze me on a regular basis. Writing this out here helps me to feel better about things. I have been afraid to say too much about the paper because of fear that it will fail. In the words of Antoine, "That is dumb, really, really, dumb. For real." So here's what happened. I called the guy over production. There were like two things that needed to be fixed. TWO THINGS! He didn't laugh at me and call me an amateur. He didn't tell me that it won't work. The guy I spoke to was very kind. He was very helpful. He was very positive. Thank you, God, for this sweet man. Chris also spent his entire break encouraging me. Thank you, God, for this sweet man, too. I'm not going to let fear freeze me up any more. Dang it! I'm going to kick fear in the butt. With God's help I don't want to spend one more second frozen up by fear. I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength! Anything! Anything! Get on out of here fear. You're not welcome.